I have a Type A personality. I like information; the more, the better. I like to be prepared. Sometimes I overprepare. I can be a little neurotic. It's part of my charm.
Our oldest child just turned eleven. Guess what's around the corner: puberty. I would be lying if I said that this notion doesn't give me anxiety. What's a neurotic, Type A mother to do? Well, I must take the bull by the horns and tackle this head on.
And as I always have, I'm happy to share my experiences as both a sibling and a parent of individuals with Down syndrome (within reason) in an attempt to benefit the whole community. Because, despite all of the pitfalls of the Internet, it does allow for a valuable exchange of information. And this blog is here to offer real life experience that serves as a helpful addendum to any clinical information you can gather from various books and websites.
Step 1: Gather Information - Have no fear: I have a book! It's a pretty cool and comprehensive book, too. It's written specifically for individuals with intellectual disabilities in simple and direct language with lots of graphics and photos. It's called "The Girls' Guide to Growing Up by Terri Couwenhoven.
They have one for boys, too. You can find it HERE.
Step 2: Write a Social Story
Last night in the bathtub, Lydia (also known as "Biddy") said to me in an urgent whisper-yell "Mom! Look - Josie is becoming a woman!" while frantically gesturing to her chest. You see, Biddy was excited, but she was trying to be discreet. We knew this day would come. And if my six year-old noticed it, it's about time we face it. So today, I stopped into Old Navy and I purchased some cami training bras.
What I did next should come as no surprise: I drafted a social story. It's what I do! Here's where my lifetime of experience with special needs comes into play...I've learned, time and again, that the more taboo a subject, the more tempting it is to discuss to whoever will listen. Take this classic story from Aunt Leanne (I have no idea what happened to the photos on this old blog post!). I have so many stories involving Leanne embarrassing my mom and I delighted in these stories so much more before I assumed the role of the one who would field the embarrassment.
Every family has a different threshold for modesty and different ideas about propriety and that's okay. For me, I want my children to feel comfortable coming to me with questions and concerns so I try to be receptive and nonchalant while gently steering our family's values into the discussion. I remember when Merryn put me on the spot about the birds and the bees and I froze and changed the subject quickly! You see, she was really young. But she's always been advanced and inquisitive beyond her years. Mama Hop shamed me when I told her and insisted that the next time Merryn brought it up, that I tell her everything. And I did!
Josie is different. Because of her intellectual delays, Josie needs a very simple explanation, and many, many repetitions to learn a concept. But the other tricky part about Josie (and many individuals with special needs) is that she doesn't have the same social instincts nor inhibitions that her sisters do. So if she learns about something that's taboo, she wants to say it as much as possible to get a BIG reaction out of people.
Pop Quiz: What do we do with attention seeking behaviors?
You named it: We ignore. I tell Josie where (in the bathroom) and with whom (parents or a trusted adult) she can discuss certain things and when she brings it up outside of those parameters, I remind her once, and ignore the rest. Without a reaction, the taboo words lose their luster.
But it's important that we don't avoid discussing these inevitable things for fear of embarrassment. We need to prepare our kids and we need to allow for enough time and repetition for them to learn how to successfully take care of their bodies. While I find the aforementioned book incredibly helpful for guiding these conversations, I decided to break each topic down and address them with a dedicated social story for each one, starting with...drumroll please...bras.
Ugh! Cringe, I know. But we can do this! And it's important that we do this. Because teaching our kids to take care of their bodies, hygiene, and sexual urges is a critical part of health and wellness, peer acceptance, and social integration.
Click here for a free PDF of the whole social story
Here is a clip of Josie's first read-through:
Notice how she hung on to that "we don't talk about it." As she self-talked herself to sleep, the bulk of the monologue was about "private" and "we don't talk about it." I suspect there will be plenty of discussion about it whether I like it or not. LOL! Such is life with our chromosomally enhanced friends. It's never boring!
Disclaimer: While I have resolved to not only educate myself but share my findings via this forum, some topics are difficult to share within the confines of family privacy, internet safety, and keeping personal information personal. That's why I offer the book recommendations along with advice for how you can draft your own social story. I am not a professional; just a mom. Please direct any specific inquiries about your child to your physician or a behavior analyst who can aid in teaching individuals with special needs how to take care of their bodies.