Friday, January 17, 2014

Siblings: The Impact of Special Needs on Birth Order

I am frequently asked what it was like growing up with a sibling with special needs and that is a really difficult questions to answer because 1. It's just a BROAD question 2. I don't have any typically developing siblings so I don't really know any different.
 As I watch my daughters grow and interact, I identify so much with Merryn and I realize that there are many similarities, but there are also distinct differences.  For one, Leanne is three-and-a-half years older than I am, where as Josie is only sixteen months older than Merryn.  Merryn caught up to Josie's developmental age a lot sooner than I did with Leanne.  Consequently, I think Josie and Merryn switched birth order roles much sooner than Leanne and I did.  What do I mean by birth order roles?
 Many people subscribe to a theory that birth order dictates personality traits (source).  For example:

First Born - Conscientious, Cautious, Controlling, Achievers
Middle Child - Social, People-Pleasers, Rebellious
Last Born - Fun-Loving, Outgoing, Manipulative, Attention-Seekers

What happens when you have an older sibling with special needs is that you become what is known as a "functional first born" - in other words, you tend to take on more traits of a first born regardless of your actual birth order.  This definitely happened for me and it's already happening for Merryn. 
To this day, Leanne will be the first person to tell you that I'm "bossy".  Growing up I would demand she play with me, select the game, and dictate the rules.  The other night Travis was telling me how Merryn was sharing her coloring book with Josie but Merryn told Josie what letters she was allowed to color and she held her hand over Josie's hand while manipulating the pen - never once did she hand the pen over to Josie to use on her own accord.
But just as Merryn likes to control a situation, she is also quite nurturing.  She attempts to feed Josie at every meal even though we're desperately trying to stress the importance of Josie feeding herself independently (Josie is delighted to be fed).

Merryn imposes her help upon Josie all throughout the day.  The other night I snapped this picture of Merryn insisting that she be the one to "read" a bedtime story to Josie instead of mom.  I've had the distinct feeling that Merryn is trying to replace me as the "mother" on more than one occasion.  I call her our "Little Mother Hen".  
And that's one way in which Merryn and I are a little bit different.  Because I did not developmentally surpass Leanne until later on, I didn't have the opportunity to be quite as nurturing towards her.  Leanne was six when I was Merryn's age so she was much more self-sufficient than Josie is now.

But despite being functional first borns, I think Merryn and I still maintain that younger sibling perspective that our older sister is the coolest person to walk the planet!
 Growing up, I thought Leanne was awesome.  She was my big sister and there was a certain degree of idolization that came with the territory.  There still is - I still think she's the cutest, funniest, most charismatic individual to ever grace the earth and I dare you to try to tell me otherwise!  

Likewise, Merryn idolizes Josie.  It was evident early on and it still is - remember this post (Click Here, Mom)?  Josie wears Hip Helpers - special support shorts that are supposed to correct excessive hip abduction associated with low muscle tone.  Well, the other day Merryn wanted to wear a pair of Hip Helpers, too.  Because if Josie has them, then they epitomize cool!
And you see Merryn's hair?  That's a "ponytail" (or as close as we could come).  She insisted on having a ponytail because Josie had a ponytail.  The request was a little easier to fulfill than last week when Merryn insisted on having a "braid like JoJo's".  Similarly, Merryn loves to try on Josie's orthodics.  And even though Merryn has her own tricycle, she'd much rather ride Josie's adaptive tricycle.
 But while I highlight the way we embody birth order stereotypes, I'll be the first to point out that they are solely that - stereotypes.  We all know people who are the exception to the "birth order rules" (Britney Spears, JFK, and Donald Trump - to name a few).  But it is an interesting idea to examine when we think about the components that make up our personalities and how influential a sibling can be in that process.

10 comments:

  1. Love the high chair photo. When you have your new baby girl, you may as well just hand her directly over to Merryn. LOL The birth order pegs my 3 girls pretty good. Not sure where to put my son in the mix. I'm so excited that you all have on clothes in 2 out of 3 pics. LOL Your mom was smart to know that laundry trick! :)

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  2. My sister (19 months younger) and I switched birth order roles at a young age... She is the conscientious big sister and I was the troublemaker happy-go-lucky one...

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  3. What a cool post to read. I am now pregnant with my second. Cora (who has Ds) will be 3-1/2 when her sibling arrives this summer. Knowing that two is our limit, it's great to read about the sibling dynamic when you factor in a cognitive disability. Especially with the child with Ds as the oldest. I feel like I will be super lucky if Cora and her sister or brother have a relationship like you and Leanne. Or like Josie and Merryn seem to have already.

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  5. Hey Little Mama... I know this blog is serious and very well written, too...
    but whenever I see "the chicken," I just have to LOL! :- )

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  6. Love the hip helper picture! Adorable! Josie should come over for a PJ photo shoot with our girls...they all have the same jammies!

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  7. Love this post! So far, my girls haven't switched order yet. They are just over two years apart and it's like having twins now. Bridget definitely has the younger sibling personality, so it will be interesting to see if/when they switch. Claire knows she's still the boss now. ;)

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  8. Dear Elizabeth,
    My name is Alejandra and I live in Argentina. I have a son with DS  named Bautista who is 9 months and he is the greatest gift ever. 
    I somehow bumped into your blog a few weeks ago and first of all I wanted to thank you for sharing your experience and most important for having such a natural, positive and optimistic approach. This is exactly how I feel about my son and DS and it is sooo nice to know there are more people that look at this as a gift.
    I have 2 questions I would like to make to you.
    I found very interesting and helfull your tips related to Jossie's learning such as flash cards and social stories. Since my son is 9 months old I was wondering if you have any posts for that age that I could read.
    The second question is related to you and your sister. My son is my only child for now though I'm hopping he will have at least one sibling in the future. However, I am concerned about giving him/her the responsibility of taking care of Bautista when I can no loger do it in the future. I was curious if you ever think about this with your sister. Is this maybe something you have talked about with your parents? I'm sorry if this is not the best use of words to ask my question. My native language is spanish so it is difficult to find the right words. If you could please share your thoughts and feelings about this I will really appreciate it.

    Thank you very much for you blog. I really enjoy it. Best wishes to you and your family

    Regards

    Alejandra

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  9. Dear Elizabeth,
    My name is Alejandra and I live in Argentina. I have a son with DS  named Bautista who is 9 months and he is the greatest gift ever. 
    I somehow bumped into your blog a few weeks ago and First of all I wanted to thank you for sharing your experience and most important for having such a natural, positive and optimistic approach. This is exactly how I feel about my son and DS and it is sooo nice to know there are more people that look at this as a gift.
    I have 2 questions I would like to make to you.
    I found very interesting and helfull your tips related to Jossie's learning such as flash cards and social stories. Since my son is 9 months old I was wondering if you have any posts for that age that I could read.
    The second question is related to you and your sister. My son is my only child for now though I'm hopping he will have at least one sibling in the future. However, I am concerned about giving him/her the responsibility of taking care of Bautista when I can no loger do it in the future. I was curious if you ever think about this with your sister. Is this maybe something you have talked about with your parents? I'm sorry if this is not the best use of words to ask my question. My native language is spanish so it is difficult to find the right words. If you could please share your thoughts and feelings about this I will really appreciate it.
    Thank you very much for you blog. I really enjoy it. Best wishes to you and your family

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  10. Hi Alejandra! Welcome to Confessions of the Chromosomally Enhanced! Thank you for your feedback. I appreciate you offering me questions as it motivates me to continue blogging. Josie was born in March of 2010 so maybe searching in the archives from October 2010 on would allow you to follow along during the age that she aligned with your son.

    Regarding your second question about responsibility for care when Bautista is older, I will turn that into a blog post just for you! What a terrific inquiry!

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